Dave's Free Press: Journal

If you love your child shoot it in the head

This shouldn't be dressed and cared for, it should be killed. In the extremely unlikely event that it survives, its life will be utter shit. Shoot it in the head. For its own good.

Errm, in the heads.

Mentals

I know, I know. It's ungentlemanly to laugh at mentals. But check this out.

Protect the Humanzee!

A headline in one of the right-wing stupidsheets this morning read "Humanzee fear after MPs vote", above a story about how MPs voted in favour of scientific research and against Dark Ages superstition in the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill.

Why would one fear our humanzee brothers? I for one refuse to discriminate merely on the grounds that a person has recent African ancestors.

Mad comments

I've had some very odd comments in this 'ere journal recently, and they're not even spam! For example, "Kelly" wrote this in response to this post:

couldn't help checking out geelkawyer.
that driving show -
whe getit here in bloody-aus (tralia i.e.)
resta-sured i didn't stay long.
seriously thinKing keegwalyer is your alt-err-e(r)go...
prefer your style...
a-part from geeywalker referring to (him?)self in the 3rd person, -
you dear dave are obviously not writing-like-a-lawyer.
eek blankety -on-you dave for even posting the glayeekwer URL - with its boldedness, plethora or ads. u-tube content 'cause s/he lack same. erk and perk

I recognise all the words, even the egregiously mis-typed ones, but I have very little idea what on earth she's talking about. And then in response to this much older post she wrote the utterly incomprehensible:

thanksANot skynet - who has time to RTFM - nerds. Well fine - who wants to read "novels" anyhow; give me a dictionary any day, a back-page, the www is FullOfReference material. any speech-reader will tell you so. .. HeY /usr or $ sudo/bla/bla - makes my synapses bleed. keep your FM .. thanks for developing the thingie ... U godU-for-knowing-where-to-bloody-well start typing /usr or /root or even for knowing what root the user is pub-blishing and selling their crappy t-shirts and mugs and spanky code. gimme a horse and cart <=;P

Mmmm, spanky code.

These two comments were posted about 50 minutes apart from a Virgin Broadband account in Australia. I can only assume that Kelly has drunk a few too many fermented koalas.

U-boat!

On Saturday I took some Canuckistani friends to Hampton Court. We took a boat from Westminster - which, incidentally, I heartily recommend, travelling by boat is a great way to see London, and there's a bar - and on the way we overtook this.

Best. Bodykit. EVAH.

Red Meat

This is not why I drive a pickup.

Ooo-arrrr ul Akbarrrrr

Cornish terrorism at its best. Never mind blowing shit up because your country is under foreign occupation, or you're politically repressed, it's all about house prices.

Champagne WHAT!?!?!

I just read "champagne lunch" as "champagne crotch". Help! Nurse! My brain has broken again!

A brilliant idea

I have had a brilliant idea.

Take a bottle of gin. Drink half of it. Then fill the bottle with biltong. Let it sit for a coupla weeks, pour through a coffee filter into another bottle, and you have meat-flavoured booze! And alcoholic meat! Huzzah!

Vampire Electronics

For the last couple of days, my wireless network has been rather unreliable and I've been trying to figger out why. It turns out that an Apple Airport base station which flidded out a couple of years ago, and which I never unplugged because it was buried amidst a tangle of other cables, has spontaneously risen from the grave and is now working.

It was breaking shit because it was on the same IP address and announcing the same SSID as the machine that had replaced it as my wireless router.

How odd.

(If you object to my use of 'flid' above, please read 'spaz' instead)

Googling for your self considered harmful

Googling for yourself can be harmful to your mental health. I just found this.

Amazon recommendations

Today I ordered a spoon from Amazon. This seems to have screwed up its recommendations system so now it seems to be ignoring the zillion bits of sci-fi, the zombie flicks and the metal CDs I've bought and thinks that I want:

a slotted spoon
a ladle
a spaghetti server
an omelette turner
some tongs

mixed in with:

"selected works" of Cicero (no thanks, I'll select my own)
"Iron Sunrise" by Charlie Stross
"Adventures of a bacon curer"
a DVD of The Da Vinci Code
Now 65

Well done Amazon, you score two out of ten.

And what the FUCK is an omelette turner?

On Rimming

Imagine how relieved I was to find that rimming sugar is used in cocktail bars and not in revolting sexual practices.

DAS ARSEHOLE NICHT FÜR GETONGUENPOKEN!

Interwebnets roundup

Some things that got my attention in the past few days ...

David Cantrell's home burnt down and now he lives in an old bus, according to the Dallas Morning News. You too can get bizarre stories about your evil twins emailed to you with Google Alerts.

A retard tried to ban a couple's Christmas peace symbol because, well, clearly, Christ was only joking when he said "blessed are the peace-makers".

And finally, I owe the hip-hop community an apology. I have previously dismissed all their work as "illiterate shouty crap". But now Baba Brinkman, a Canadian student of Mediæval and Renaissance English, has set the Canterbury Tales to music. It's still shouty crap, of course, but illiterate it is not.

My Brane, it is Broken

For reasons best left unexplained, I said "cryogenic fluid" a few moments ago on IRC. That reminded me that there was a business card in my wallet which needed to be transferred to electronic storage. I have no idea why.

Abuse of Booze

Whisky toddy made with port-casked Bowmore tastes weird. Nice, but weird.

(look, I've run out of my normal cooking whisky, OK?)

More weird dreams

Furry snakes (fake fur too, yuck) with cats' heads were menacing trains going through Purley, jumping on board and killing the passengers. At some point the dream switched to looking like it was shot on 16mm black and white film, and when I looked out of the window of the train I yelled "continuity error!" cos the view outside was looking down the side of the train instead of out at the fields.

The ticket inspector reassured me that it had been done for dramatic reasons and I shouldn't worry.

New Superheroes

There is definitely a space in the comics universe for Super-philosophers. We could have Descartes the Ninja, penetrating unseen into his enemies' lairs by temporarily refusing to think and consequently not existing and being undetectable while sneaking around. Archimedes could answer the Eureka-phone in his bathtub, which would be made of marble and have many steps and columns*. He would have a magic lever which would ignore Newton's third law. Nietzsche would be just like Superman, except not giving a flying fuck about anyone else. Ignatius Loyola could defeat his enemies with the AWESOME POWER of casuistry.

* it would be most tranquil

The world has gone mad

I had to renew my car insurance, so I phoned the company that had given me the cheapest quote when I was ringing around, and told them I wanted to take them up on their quote. At which point they dropped the price.

I fully expect to see cats lieing down with dogs, group hugs in Jerusalem, and the pope saying "that Luther guy, he had a good point".

Weird dreams

Last night I dreamt that an eskimo was advising me on how best to cook camels. Apparently cross-dressing camels taste best.

Did you know that ...

... the average woman is just one tenth of an inch tall. You just never notice the vast majority of them, crushing them under your feet as you go.

When ads go wrong

I've been keeping an eye on things, and most of the time, Google puts pretty ~~good~~ well-targeted ads on these pages. The only real exception was on my page about spam, which kept getting ads for dodgy anti-spam products, which was clearly silly, so I've removed 'em from that page.

However, on occasion it goes amusingly wrong. Not Google's fault, but some idiot has obviously bought an ad for thousands of keywords without thinking about it, and so this 'ere journal is currently advertising ...

So how exactly does one order a burning cross online?

An Easter Thought

I give you ... H.P.Lovecraft's "Saint Paul, Re-animator".