I am blessed, for I have found Greg, my personal Saviour.
Here's a calendar of the major Holy Days:
- 27 Jan: the Frabjous Day of Saint Lewis the Caroller
- on which day we set nonsense words to traditional music
- 13 Feb: the Drinkday of the Holy Saint Oliver
- at which it is customary to drink rum and partake in the ancient art of arm-wrestling
- 26 March: the Songday of the Holy Saint Noël
- which is not to be confused with the barbarous practice of calling the heathen feast of Christmas by a French name
- 11 Apr: the Fastday of the Blessèd Jeremy
- customary activities currently illegal in most jurisdictions
- 27 May: the delicious but weird Feast of the Blessèd Heston of Bray
- during which believers carefully wash their hands
- 28 June: the Lard-day of Saint Clarissa, Greatest Ever Englishwoman
- when one attempts to make one's lady even fatter by bringing her breakfast in bed, with everything (including the orange juice) cooked in lard
- 15 July: the Artday of Saint Other Brian
- when one is compelled to be snootily superior
- 18 Jul: the Graceful Day of Saint William Gilbert
- on which the faithful partake of a gentle game of cricket.
- 24 Aug: the Smugday of the Blessèd Friar Stephen
- on which one is wrong about many things but in such a mellifluous tone of voice that it doesn't matter
- 9 Oct: the Shoutday of the Blessèd Brian
- A WONDERFUL DAY ON WHICH WE DROWN OUT ALL LESSER FAITHS
- 16 Oct: the Witday of the Holy Saint Oscar
- Traditionally one is supposed to watch television and drink lager on this day, because art and all higher things are useless. However, most modern Gregologians maintain that these observances are optional and that Saint Oscar should be celebrated by wearing silly clothes, drinking champagne and absinthe, and reading poetry.
- 24 Dec: the Moleday of Lemmy the Loud
- when the observant attempt to wind hawks
- 28 Dec: the Feast of Saint Keith the Bankrupt
- At which one carefully measures just how high you managed to piss money up the wall while joining in the celebrations of the pagan feast of Christmas.